Marriage and Divorce in Islam

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Huda Khattab

The tabloid image of Islam represents many negative stereotypes of marriage. Under-age girls wed to men old enough to be their grandfathers. Fourteen and fifteen year old girls taken on "holidays" to the parents' homeland, forced into marriage to a cousin or relative they have never seen before. Young girls imported into the west from rural villages, unable to speak a word of English, never venturing beyond the cocoon of the family or community, terrified and alone when, for example, a medical emergency thrusts them into the outside world. Traditionally-minded men brought over as husbands for girls who, after growing up and being educated in the west, and perhaps expecting to have a job or career, may suddenly be expected to stay at home, be meek and submissive.

Then there are the husbands who are shirking their responsibilities; failing to provide adequate support to their wives and children. Many of those women end up turning to government hand-outs to keep body and soul together. It is not unknown for a husband even to go as far as demanding "rent" from his wife to live in his house.

When a marriage goes wrong, so the popular notion goes, the man at least has an easy way out. He can declare "divorce, divorce, divorce!" – a traditional and widespread version of divorce which is in fact un-Islamic. The wife must return to her family, who may not want her back, because the stigma is so great: how will they marry off any other daughters if this one is a "failure"? If a man can divorce the wife at a whim like this, she must forever be walking on eggshells, so as not to arouse his wrath and risk being cast aside, becoming an object of scorn and pity. Many women trapped in miserable marriages may want to escape, but they do not want to live alone: they are well aware of Islamic teachings that place such an emphasis on marriage. They wish that they could be free to find a happier match elsewhere. Women have their own needs for love and companionship, security and protection, for material and moral support, for a father-figure for their children. They want to find all this through permissible means. But if you ask them why they don't ask for a divorce and get out, they sigh and tell you, "Who else would have me, with this number of kids? Better the 'devil' you know!"

Such goings-on are not unique to any particular community, and certainly not just to Muslims. One should probably be resigned to the fact that they are part of the human condition. This does not mean that such instances of abuse should be excused. The distressing fact is that in too many cases, religion is used to justify and condone, or at least excuse, what all too often amounts to nothing less than the oppression of women. Detractors then come along and find plenty of ammunition for their cause: they can claim that Islam oppresses women and is a cruel religion etc., and they will find no lack of evidence to support their claims.

It all boils down to the yawning chasm that exists between the teachings and ideals of Islam and the practices of many Muslims. Customs and cultural practices have arisen (or been allowed to continue as a hang-over from the previous religion/culture of lands to which Islam spread) which are contrary to the actual teachings of Islam, and throughout the world, the dominant western culture is also having a major impact on the way things are done. Marriage and family life, which are so central to the stability of a community, and which are given such importance in the Islamic scheme of things that marriage is described as being "half the faith" [1], whether they come from the west or from local cultures.

Choosing a Partner

Let's start at the beginning: the selection of a marriage partner. The Islamic way is diametrically opposed to the western way. Western families, to a large extent, leave their children to sink and swim in the nerve-wracking and confusing world of dates and boyfriend/girlfriend. Western books and magazines are full of tales of woe and letters to "agony aunts" and advice columnists describing the heartache caused when boy-meets-girl and one of them is looking for a lifetime commitment whilst the other just wants a "good time". It's a guessing-game that resembles a kind of romantic Russian roulette, and although there may occasionally be a father who demands to know whether the yound man's intentions towards his daughter are "honorable", too many westerns must negotiate the minefield alone. Too many marriages happen where, once the euphoria of falling in love has worn off, the partners find that they have little in common, and hardly enough to base a lifetime commitment on.

In contrast, the Islamic way is to arrange a match between compatible partners. Muslim are not allowed to date or engage in pre-marital intimacy (including holding hands and kissing). Parents, relatives, elders and/or close and trusted friends will scout for prospective partners, check out their background and negotiate arrangements. Ideally, young people have the security of knowing that their parents or guardians have their best interests at heart and will find the right person for them. The burden is lifted from their shoulders, to some extent, and they know that they need not take numerous chances and risks in hopes of finding Mr. or Ms. Right.

No Forced Marriages in Islam

Arranged, however, does not mean forced. The prospective partners, especially the girl, have the right to say No, and this is to be respected by the parents or guardians. It is her right to refuse. There are sound reports which show the Prophet annulled marriages in cases where a girl or woman had been forced to marry a partner she disliked. [2] A few years ago, a Scottish woman of Pakistani descent who had been forced into a marriage to a man from "back home" against her will, and had been under-age (according to western law) at the time hit the headlines by having her marriage annulled in the Scottish courts. She was stigmatized and ostracized by her community, but her case brought the issue of forced marriages into the public eye.

But What About Romance?

Many westerners find this way of arranging marriages to be totally unromantic, and even rather odd – but if you take the time to explain it, they may begin to see the wisdom behind it. Muslims who are unduly influenced by movies and novels may also feel some kind of longing for "romance" – they forget that these works of fiction exaggerate, and are not representative of real life. The Islamic way certainly involves much businesslike talk and negotiation of conditions, and the prospective partners may "interview" one another – which makes it all seem more like a boardroom deal than the romance of the century. People who have over-indulged in Hollywood love stories and Mills & Boon or Harlequin romances may well find it all quite weird, but surely it is better to "lay all one's cards on the table" (to borrow a phrase) from the outset then to finding things out the hard way and having unpleasant surprises later on. That's not to say that nasty surprises never happen in arranged marriages either: everyone concerned must be willing to ask – and answer – comprehensive questions about background, aspirations, hopes, and plans, etc.

This businesslike approach does not entirely rule out "romance" altogether, however. If a young person particularly likes someone whom he/she may know through the circle of relatives and family friends, youth activities at the mosque, or even from school or university, then there is no harm in asking parents to pursue the matter via appropriate channels – provided, of course, that no improper behavior results. Such cases do happen, but, sadly, problems may arise when the person liked by the youngster is of a different ethnic background: many Muslim families cannot imagine marrying their children to someone of a different background. This is, of course, a totally un-Islamic attitude which verges on racism. Many matches between people of the same background occur because of the natural patterns of the same background occur because of the natural patterns of contact between people, but we should not isolate ourselves from other Muslims, and we should not close minds to the possibility of a mixed match.

On the lines of "romance", there is an interesting trend among some Muslim families. A couple of generations ago, marriages would be arranged and solemnized without the couple never even seeing one another until after the nikāh (marriage contract), when they would be expected to cohabit and set up home together immediately – quite an ordeal for both partners! (It is also un-Islamic, as Islam clearly gives the prospective partners the right to meet and see each other, so that they may decide whether they are at all attracted to the prospective partner). Nowadays, some families are choosing to contract the nikāh, but then allow the couple some space, each partner remaining in the family and friends, the establishment of a new household is announced and celebrated. This arrangement, which is akin to an engagement, gives the couple some space to meet without the girl having to wearḥijāb and to get to know each other a little better – as the nikāh is already done and they are at liberty to do so. If the partners are in different countries, perhaps waiting to process immigration papers, this is a time when they can write letters to one another or phone one another (parents can expect a sharp rise in phone bills). Then when the time comes for them to set up home together, they will not be complete strangers to one another.

Early Marriage

Another alternative to common attitude and practice, of interest to many Muslim parents in the west – where temptations and pressures are, perhaps, greatest – is early marriage. This may be regarded as pretty "radical" as the widely-held notion is that it is better to wait until young people, especially men, have completed their education and established themselves, put down a deposit on a house, bought a car, etc. Whilst the intention may be good – namely to have some kind of stability and security before marrying and starting a family – this approach puts almost unbearable pressure on young people, who are still faced with constant temptation to stray, combined with their own powerful youthful urges, but who are being told to wait until they are "established" before they can have a legitimate outlet for those very human feelings. If a person has chosen a career which needs lengthy study before they can work, he (or indeed she) may well be nearly 30 before they can think of marrying which, assuming that puberty begins around age 15, amounts to half a lifetime of unbearable pressure. Should we be surprised if many stumble from the "straight path" under such conditions?

Recognizing the pressures that their children are under, some Muslim parents are now seriously considering the idea of marrying their children when young, and encouraging the young couple to study and grow together. They will thus have a permissible outlet for all those urges (which will have a beneficial, calming effect) and also a partner to study with or to offer moral and practical support whilst they set up a business or establish themselves in their chosen career. Some families are even ensuring that the marriage contract includes a clause which guarantees that the wife will be able to complete her studies (some women even stipulate that this means right up to PhD).

However, early marriage can give cause for concern when it is used to "get girls out of danger". This attitude may be found among some parents in ethnic communities where early marriage is a tradition, and also among immigrant parents who fear the un-Islamic influences to which their daughters are exposed to in high schools. Early marriage is thus a way to cut the schooling and remove the child from the perceived danger, in some cases by sending the daughter back to the homeland to marry. Such marriages are often "forced", and deny the girl not only of her say in the choice of marriage partner, but also of her right to an education – both of which are rights clearly given by Islam. No youngster should be forced into an early marriage, and parents must ensure that their children (sons as well as daughters) are given a sound Islamic education and a positive sense of their Muslim identity. Whether or not an early marriage is arranged, girls should be allowed and encouraged to pursue an education and develop their full potential.

Prevention is Better than Cure

While considering the choice of a marriage partner, we should also think along the line of "prevention is better than cure". In other words, the more care we exercise in choosing a compatible partner, the less likely the risk of the marriage hitting the rocks later on, God willing. Divorce is permitted in Islam, of course, but it is a disliked option, to be used as a last resort. Any Muslim who is getting married should be doing so with the attitude and intention that this is a commitment for life.

Just because a person is from "back home" is no guarantee that he or she is the best partner for your daughter or son – even if he/she is a relative. Of course, many such matches are a great success, but it is the ones that fail that we usually hear about ("no new is good news"). Children who grow up in the west are very different from their cousins who grow up in the homeland. If parents have kept the language and culture alive, taken the children to visit the homeland or welcomed visitors from back home, then this will make such matches easier. I have met numerous girls of Pakistani descent in the UK who have willingly chosen to marry someone from back home; some will ask their parents to arrange such a match, and some choose to return to the homeland and live there rather than the west. In other cases however, the partners may be light years apart, despite the fact that they may be related. They may not even speak the same language, and their marriage may be an unhappy and isolating experience for both partners. Many couples in such circumstances manage to overcome these difficulties and come to care for one another deeply, but too many others will endure nothing but misery.

There is a lot to be said in favor of mixed marriages, especially when it comes to breaking down barriers and strengthening the ties between Muslims, but in arranging such a match, caution is appropriate. If a prospective partner is of the same ethno-cultural background, it is relatively easy to carry out some kind of background check; in many Muslim countries the social networks facilitate such "vetting" of prospective partners. In the melting post (or mosaics, if you prefer) of western cities where the Muslim community may resemble a microcosm of the Islamic world, plus converts from the local communities, the variety of backgrounds makes this checking somewhat harder in the case of prospective mixed marriages.

Compatibility

Some Muslim scholars have recommended that there be some measure of social compatibility (e.g. in status, class, wealth, education, etc.) between marriage partners, advice which is an application of "worldly wisdom" and in recognition of the tendency of human societies to organize themselves into strata. [3] The suggestion is that, in general, it is preferable for the husband to have the "higher" status, in part because his role as head of the household may be undermined if the wife looks down on him because of his lack of education, wealth, etc., and this can lead to instability in the marriage. The Islamic ideal of egalitarianism, of course, permits marriages that cross these barriers, and with a good amount of faith, patience, tolerance, and love, "unlikely" matches can succeed.

This compatibility is possible to achieve in a mixed match, and indeed may contribute to the success of such a marriage. Individuals who are interested in finding a partner from a different background should be encouraged to have a "support team" who will protect their interests and do the necessary background checking. Many born-Muslims will have their parents and families around, of course, but overseas students, refugees, and converts to Islam may well need to find someone – perhaps a close friend or trusted elder – to support them. Those who take part in arranging such matches should also be prepared to make long-term commitment to offering ongoing support and help, should it be needed.

Compatibility goes beyond equivalency of socio-economic status, of course. Level of education (or educational aspirations) are also important, as are ideas about the number of children hoped for, and the city or country in which partners want to settle. Level of commitment to Islam is another, very important, consideration, but the school of thought and/or type of Islamic activity and involvement should also be borne in mind. Why prospective partners should also give some thought to one another's views on apparently trivial matters such as pets, smoking, etc.

Divorce

However careful we are in choosing marriage partners, mistakes do occur, and some marriages do not succeed. Instead of imprisoning two people in misery and perhaps finding themselves forced to commit unlawful deeds, Islam permits divorce as a way out, so that each partner may be free to find a more compatible match elsewhere. Sadly, however, Muslim communities have attached a huge stigma to divorce, and especially to the divorced woman. No-one wants to marry a divorced woman, especially if she has children. Divorced men, however, do not have quite such a hard time. The fear of this shame and stigma make many unhappy women afraid to flee their miserable marriages, so they stay put and suffer.

Many, many misunderstandings surround the issue of divorce in Islam. Many people believe, incorrectly, that a man need merely pronounce the words, "I divorce you" three times to his wife for the marriage to be over. Such a system would leave a women in a constant state of anxiety, lest they offend the husband and incite him to pronounce the fateful: "Ṭalāq, ṭalāq, ṭalāq!" which would leave her out in the cold. Such a system would, of course, be grossly unfair to women. But this is contrary to the Sunnah.

We will look briefly at the Islamic teachings concerning divorce, but any reader who finds herself/himself in a situation where divorce seems to be the only option is strongly advised to consult with a reputable Islamic scholar and/or Islamic social service provider or helpline before taking action.

A certain amount of confusion is caused for English-speaking Muslims by the fact that the word "divorce", which signifies the break-up of a marriage, is the word used to translate the Arabic term ṭalāq. This equating of the ṭalāq with divorce tends to mask the fact that there is another word in Arabic, khul', which may also be translated as divorce. For the remainder of this discussion, we will use the Arabic words to make the distinction clear.

Ṭalāq

Ṭalāq (the divorce word, for many Muslims) refers to divorce instigated by the husband. This is the divorce which can be repeated up to a maximum of three times.

Ṭalāq works as follows: If a marriage is floundering, the husband may make a single pronouncement of divorce, as long as certain important conditions are met (see below). The'iddah, or "waiting period", then begins – a time-span which is defined as being three menstrual cycles. The purpose of this is to establish whether or not the wife is pregnant; if she is, then the 'iddah last until delivery [of the child]. If the woman has passed menopause, her 'iddah is three months. During 'iddah, she remains in the marital home, and the husband is obliged to maintain her, provide food, etc. The hope, of course, is that reconciliation may come about – possibly through the mediation of relatives. If, before the 'iddah is over, they have marital relations, then the marriage is resumed. If the 'iddah expires, but they wish to remain married, a new marriage contract is needed.

However, some men are cruel enough to repeat this process an indefinite number of times, thus keeping the unfortunate wife suspended, and unable to seek a happier life elsewhere. For this reason, Islam imposed a limit, which may be described in vernacular terms as "three strikes and you're out!" [4] If this ṭalāq happens for a third time, it is deemed irrevocable. The couple cannot remarry unless the wife marries another man, consummates that marriage, then is divorced or widowed. This might sound like a loop-hole at first, but the scholars are quite adamant that arranging such a marriage just to facilitate remarriage to the first husband is a travesty which is to be condemned; the Prophet cursed those who took the law so lightly in this fashion. [5] Each marriage is to be taken seriously, and is to be embarked upon with the intention of a lifetime commitment; divorce is a last resort if things go wrong. The message is that divorce is a serious matter, with serious consequences. Both partners should think, not of short-term gains and scoring points over one another, but of the long-term consequences, and for Muslims that means not only this world but also the next.

It is also important to be aware of the conditions for ṭalāq. [6] No pronouncement of ṭalāqcan be made during a woman's period (hayḍ) or post-natal bleeding (nifās). If ṭalāq is to be pronounced, it must be done after the woman has been cleansed (ghusl) following the end of her period, and before intercourse takes place. This rules out any possibility of ṭalāq being uttered in the heat of the moment, at a time when the husband my feel frustrated and angry because of the restrictions imposed marital life when the woman has hayḍ or nifās. Defining a specific time and conditions means that the husband who is contemplating ṭalāq is likely to have to wait a while; this "breathing-space" will allow both partners the chance to calm down, think rationally about the situation and, if possible, to be reconciled.

Khul'

There are however, men who will keep a wife in a miserable marriage. Such a man does not care for the poor woman, but his male pride cannot bear to let her go and find a better life elsewhere. Some of these men may well be on some kind of twisted "power trip," as is borne out by beating and abuse inflicted on the woman. The wife may ask for a divorce (ṭalāq), but he refuses. In such a case, the woman has the right to instigate a divorce herself. This is known as khul'. However, the scholars point out that it is forbidden to mistreat women so as to force her to instigate a khul', thereby making her pay the financial penalty. [7]

Khul' is also the means by which a woman may extricate herself from a marriage in which is unhappy, even if the husband is not particularly at fault. Such was the case of Thābit's wife, who found no fault in his personality, but could not bear how he looked, and was unable to reconcile herself to his appearance. [8]

If she chooses to take this option, the woman may have to forfeit all or part of her dowry (which, in some of the worst cases, may be a small price to pay). There has been some controversy over this issue, with the impression being given that women may be "taken for a ride" when they seek to instigate khul', because of the ruling that they must give up the dowry. Those who are guilty of abusing this rule should examine their consciences and think about how they will answer for it in the Hereafter. In fact, the scholars apply a kind of sliding scale to the amount which the wife must forfeit. If she is acting on a whim with no reasonable grounds, then she may be penalized by having to repay the entire dowry, or sometimes more. If she is escaping from an abusive marriage, or can prove ill-conduct on part of her husband, a just judge or authority would not penalize her in such a away – she may pay back only a part of the dowry, or even none at all. [9]

There is no difference of opinion regarding the length of 'iddah in case of khul'. A minority of scholars suggest that it is only one menstrual cycle; the majority, however, say that 'iddah in this case is the same as 'iddah in the case of ṭalāq. [10] Khul' is also regarded as being irrevocable. [11]

Summary

Marriage and divorce are not matters to be taken lightly. Islam views them as being of great importance, as the family is the basic unit on which the community, nation, and Ummah are built. So great care is to be exercised in selecting a partner with whom to build a new family. The Islamic ideal of marriage is one of harmony, love, and tranquility, not a battleground or master-slave scenario. If things go awry, there are guidelines to bring about reconciliation, but divorce is available as a last resort. Traditional practices have tended to distort the application of divorce, so Muslims need to acquaint themselves with the true teachings of Islam. There are various ways of dissolving a marriage, and it cannot be said often enough that those who find themselves in such a situation are strongly urged to consult with scholars and community elders who are knowledgeable and experienced in dealing with such issues.

References:

[1] The description of marriage as "half the faith" is derived from the hadith: "When a servant of Allah marries, he has completed half of his religious obligations, and he must fear Allah in order to complete the second half." (al-Bayhaqi)

[2] Narrated Khansa' bint Khiḍam al-Anṣāriyah, that her father gave her in marriage when she was a matron and she disliked that marriage. So she went to Allah's Messenger and he declared that marriage invalid. Ṣaḥeeḥ al-Bukhāri, vol. 7, p. 52.

[3] Although the idea of considering class appears to be contrary to the Islamic ideal of egalitarianism, the scholars recognized the reality of human societies and the almost universal urge of people to stratify themselves. As Hammudah Abdul 'Ati points out, the early Muslim conquests brought Islam to regions where urban civilization was long-established and society was highly stratified. In addition, "the native converts had not themselves directly experienced the sense of religious cohesiveness and social leveling of the early Muslim community." (The Family Structure in Islam, p. 92) The rulings and advice of the scholars are clearly reactions to the social reality which they encountered." (See Hammudah Abdul 'Ati, The Family Structure in Islam, pp. 94-97)

[4] See Soorah al-Baqarah (Qur'an 2:229)

[5] Abdur-Rahman I. Doi, Woman in Shari'ah, p. 92f.

[6] Conditions of Ṭalāq: Maulana Abul A'ala Maududi, The Laws of Marriage and Divorce in Islam, pp. 30-31; Abdur-Rahman I. Doi, Woman in Shari'ah, p. 85.

[7] Sayyid Sabiq, Fiqh as-Sunnah (Arabic), vol. 8, pg. 142f.

[8] Thābit's wife – hadith reported by Bukhari and al-Bayhaqi. See also Abdur-Rahman I. Doi, Woman in Shari'ah, p. 97.

[9] Afzul ar-Rahman, Role of Muslim Woman in Society, p. 153f.

[10] Abdur-Rahman I. Doi, Woman in Shari'ah, p. 98.

[11] Abdul 'Ati, op. cit., p. 239.